I Have No Friends

I SO identify!!!!

I have OCD as bad. It is somewhat different than yours, in that my view of germs is not different than that of most people; I also do not beat myself over having it. But, however, I do identify with most of the stuff you said here.
My OCD is mostly about my fears. My greatest fears. And sick perfectionism. And, of course, it does originate from the feeling, brutally burned right into my brain throughout my entire "life", by practically EVERYONE ANYWHERE = "family", "friends" (as I have absolutely none, either), teachers and what-not!! – that I am not good enough, that I am even WORTHLESS, since I am not like them.
See, humans are naturally born FASCISTS; and they shall stop at nothing, while doing their ultimate BEST to brutally RAPE just about ANYONE into being their exact copy. And the israelis, OF COURSE, are the sickest bloody fascists of all.
My family consists purely of such monsters. Most of them would not even talk to me (yes!!!!), for years and decades, simply for the ultimate crime of being me – that I wore a shirt, which seemed to them "too feminine for a man", or for having a beard = both are "CRIMES AGAINST THE GOD OF FASHION!!!!", according to my BEASTLY and REVOLTING aunt, shoshana 'ovadya (nee mizrahi) and all her mindless-automatons-of-relatives, who shall not speak to me, since "shoshana does not approve of it; of you".
And I HAVE NO FRIENDS. I crave and wish to have some real, close Friends – but all I have ever got, are mere acquaintances, who shall NEVER form any REAL Friendship with me; just "facebook friends", which we all know how fake, empty and crappy THAT always is. In the past, I did think of those as Friends – but I had learned the sad truth the hard, most painful way and now, I know better.
And OF COURSE, my mother and people like her, who are CONSTANTLY DOING THE UTMOST to hammer straight into my brain, that IT IS ALL MY OWN FAULT. For not being "just like anybody else"!!
"JUST SIMPLY BE LIKE ANYBODY ELSE!!!!" – screams at me EVERY HUMAN BEING I HAVE EVER CAME ACROSS, throughout MY ENTIRE "LIFE" – while TOTALLY ignoring the fact, that I AM BETTER!! I am 100% Vegan, PURELY for the Animals. Whenever I walk in the rain on Winter, I dedicate myself to saving EACH AND EVERY ADORABLE LITTLE SNAIL, from the dangers of the sidewalk – while almost all other israeli people couldn't have cared less about them!! In spite of the fact, that the israeli public transportation is horrible, I do not drive any vehicle, BOTH because I (unlike anybody else I have ever known) care way too much about pedestrians (I care about people in general; extremely way more, than ANYONE has EVER cared, about me), AND since I care about the Environment, too. I have protested against wars and for Peace (for which I had been arrested, and almost lynched, by the "wonderful" jewish people of my bloody "hometown" of rehovoth, israhell). AND I am practically the ONLY person here, in this town, who cares, at all, about Trees…
In all the ways, that NO ONE EVER seems to be mentally and emotionally able to appreciate = less than anyone all those who are related to me by blood, of course, BUT no other people, as bad.
I have no Romantic relationship – I CRAVE and YEARN for Love (I am VERY Romantic, by Nature), but ALL single girls and women ANYWHERE, do only care about one single thing: money = which I have none (as no employer ever agrees to give me any job, since I am "too different" – and did not even serve the israeli occupation force!!!! So, according to every zionist ANYWHERE, I deserve ONLY to die…).
And whenever I am in pain, whenever I try to reach out for someone PRETENDING to be "a Friend", their response is always to merely say something like "eh… I don't really know what to tell you"… while thinking fast to themselves 'how do I get rid of him now, why ever should he think I give a shit about his naggings?'
And I HAVE NO FRIENDS. No one comes to visit me, ever (except my Mother. when she feels she must, or something). And I am NEVER invited to ANYBODY's place (not even my Mother's – less of all hers!!). I can hardly sleep anymore, can barely function. I truly don't know, for how long will I survive all this, along with the horrible thoughts, terrorizing my lonesome sleepless nights – and not only then… in a way that NO ONE who doesn't have an OCD themselves, would EVER be capable of realizing or comprehending, at all.

Written by Oded Kedem

A Vegan, Nudist, Ecological and Atheist Writer and Philosopher from Rehovoth, israel.

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